Ah, Nuts. As we rode up a mountain road, my friend repeatedly swerved to miss squirrels darting across the road. I told him: “If you crash while trying to dodge a squirrel, I’m going to go back, kill it and fry it up for your last meal.” This Chicago-area driver should have taken my advice.

Something's Fishy on I5. The “Most Dedicated Trooper Award” should go to the Washington State Patrol’s Jamie Arnold. Instead of leaving potential hazardous and certainly disgusted fish heads in the road, Trooper Arnold grabbed a broom and cleaned up the mess. Now, THAT’S how we want our tax dollars spent!

Friends Til the End. Using a designated driver can be a great idea, but this pair failed on several levels. They didn’t abstain from alcohol, they failed to get medical care for their friend, and they didn’t stop driving when they discovered he was dead.

Wilmaaaaaaa. Maybe he was trying out for the role of Fred Flintstone. A Michigan man knew his brakes were inoperable (and his license suspended), but he drove anyway. While trying—and failing—to stop his vehicle by dragging his feet on the pavement, the man’s pickup hit a total of four cars. The driver passed sobriety check, so he can only fall back on the “I’m stupid” excuse. And you drive among people just like this every day.

A growing pandemic is sweeping the nation: Drivers are taking their vehicles onto railways, causing untold damage and delays. As a professional journalist, I can make this dire assessment by reading news reports from two other journalists, one in California and one in Georgia. Also helping this leap to judgment: The Georgia report included video of both a vehicle retrieval gone wrong and a seriously shocking image of how a Ford F-150 can snap a railroad-bridge truss.

Most recently on the left coast, sfgate.com reports that a driver “blundered” into the Muni Metro tunnel in downtown San Francisco. It was determined blundering as he made it about a half mile into the tunnel. That appears to be a record for driving into this particular section of rail, says the report. If this was part of an organized underground effort to defeat public transportation, it was successful as it stopped train service for more than two hours.

Meanwhile, a man tried to create a shortcut from Georgia to South Carolina by using a Norfolk Southern railroad bridge in Augusta, GA. According to a report from the Augusta Chronicle, the speedometer in the man’s new-appearing pickup was stuck at 60 mph after the crash. The impact not only destroyed the truck and sent the driver and his passenger to the hospital, but it snapped a diagonal beam on the railroad bridge. The recovery operation didn’t go so well, either. On the bright side: A S.C.-bound train was able to stop before it slammed into the pickup.

Is it a coincidence that both happened after 5 a.m. and before 6 a.m.? Shockingly, alcohol appears to have been involved in both incidents.

Even before they got their learner’s permits, I forced my kids to learn how to park. “If you can’t park when you arrive at your destination, there’s no point in going, is there?” One taxi driver proved even pros could use a refresher course on parking. Imagine what the other driver told his insurance company: “A taxi fell out of the sky and hit my car.”

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When the license examiner has to swim away from your car, don’t ask if you passed the test.

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There’s no indication she was blonde. However, the woman who called 911 because she’d locked herself INSIDE her car admitted to police that she’d enjoyed an alcoholic beverage or 13.

Here’s a music video in honor of the woman.

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Angry women: Do not mess with them. Especially when they think you have their phone AND they’ve been drinking.

You may have seen the video of the two boneheadedly incompetent drivers racing and wrecking their Corvettes on Thanksgiving Day in the Houston area. We’ll simply refer to as Brian Andrew Herbert, 23, and Roy Wayne Bowden, 44.

If you haven’t seen the video take a moment to watch.

According to myfoxhouston.com, the two are charged with racing on a highway causing bodily injury. I’m pretty sure these are felony charges. But it was in Texas, so who knows?

Reports said Herbert concocted a story for police that wasn’t exactly accurate. Then Herbert’s mother called and demanded that police take her baby to the hospital. Cops released Bowden because the kid’s mommy prevented Herbert from taking a ride to the station.

They both would’ve gotten away with little more than bruised egos, but the video surfaced. The video convicted Herbert of the most foul of offenses: “Contempt of Cop.” (From Rodney King to Occupy Wall Streeters, many have been severely punished for this offense.)

Some (of many) lessons from this:

1. Don't disable the electronic stability control when you can’t drive a nail into soft sand.
2. Don't lie to the cops. You can remain silent. Or you can channel your inner Forrest Gump (which should’ve been easy in this case) and say I dunno. But don't lie.
3. Today, someone is always nearby with a video camera.

Attractive, skimpily clad female pedestrians cause traffic accidents, said the U.K.-based, female-owned insurance agency Shelia’s Wheels. According to the company and reported in The Telegraph,29 percent of men admitted being distracted by short skirts and low-cut tops. Another 60 percent or so, we presume, were in the presence of their significant others when questioned. 

A lot of drivers crash into houses. Not very many of them make it up onto the roof. According to a report in the Kansas City Star, Kristopher Ploof was traveling at high speed when he missed a stop sign at a “T” intersection and used Michelle Brown’s yard as a launching ramp. Ms. Brown, who was watching television (apparently at maximum volume), wasn’t aware of the accident until her son said, “Momma, there's a truck in the ceiling!,” she told KMBC.com. The vehicle hit the attic area and sunk toward the first floor. Ploof and his passengers were not seriously injured, but Ploof was cited for driving under the influence and careless driving.

Here’s how to get the public more involved in roadside cleanup. The San Francisco Chronicle and sfgate.com report that a pickup truck hauling large bags of marijuana overturned and spilled its load in south San Jose. Fortunately, Good Samaritans stopped and picked up most of the unsightly mess. Perhaps California legislators can get similar cooperation by requiring a bag of weed be attached to every 24-ounce beer can and McDonalds bag.